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 BARBWIREby ANDREW BARBANO
This is an edition of the University Scandals 96-97 series, selected installments of which were submitted for Pulitzer Prize consideration. Click here to access the archive.
 Every
December, the same dilemma: how to come up with good guy and bad guy
awards with room for ridicule not provided by real life. This year,
fortunately, I didn't need any great inspiration. Hell, I didn't even
have to work very hard. I just turned on the TV and there it was, the
most ketchupy Christmastime kitsch since the pet rock or the cabbage
patch doll. No, not the fuzzy muppet in red. Better. The Chia Head.The gimmick is perfect,
a pre-sold brand extension. Most folks already know about the ghastly
Chia Pet. And most kids learned about Mr. Potatohead in school. (He
grew up to become vice president of the United States, but that's another
story.) Combine the two familiar gimmicks and you've got a sure winner.
Marketing magic. The Chia Head awards. Better yet, the Chia Butthead
Awards, in honor of the philosopher now most admired by our children.
(My apologies to Beavis.) My potato got half-baked without any work
at all.Now, I just need to come
up with a parallel universe, another top-of-mind awareness award consistent
with the Chia cranial inane. There's only one answer. A goodhead is
a deadhead. The good guys of 1996 will thus get Golden Grateful Deadhead
Awards, in fond memory of that other Jerry's kids. The dorks get the
Chia Heads. Vanna, the envelopes please...THE STRICTLY FOR MEDICINAL
PURPOSES Grateful Deadhead Award goes, of course, to the voters
of Arizona and California, those Panama Red Heads who legalized prescription
medicinal marijuana. The counterattack has been vicious by the same
folks who, in another time, would have admonished against Coca Cola
and aspirin because they lead to beer, which leads to heavy petting
of the non-Chia variety. Chia Buttheads to the potophobic politicians
who think the road to moral Valhalla lies paved with yellow bricks made
from the banned noxious weed. Let them sow the seeds of suffering somewhere
else.THE
AEROBIC SMOKING FITNESS AWARD goes to Nevada's own gambling-industrial
complex. These guys also get the Corporate Propaganda Chia Butthead
for promoting (they make it so easy) butts. The day before news broke
about a major UNR study documenting the harm caused by exposing workers
to secondhand cigarette smoke, the gamblers stepped on it with their
own study. UNR Prof. John Dobra, fatly funded by corporate fronts, made
the same old argument: jobs, jobs, jobs. "Study says state could lose
50,000 jobs over five years," read the Reno Kazoo-Journal headline.
We must not ban smoking in casinos. It is necessary to kill the workers
in order to save them.I'll give the corporate
weasels this much: at least they are now willing to admit that they
exploit people with addictive personalities. Someone susceptible to
one vice is usually susceptible to more. Cigarettes, coffee, booze,
gambling. The power structure is infested with weasels and ostriches
who spend most of their time where the sun never shines. The industry
will not admit that it caters to addicts, and thus need not have any
aggressive program to treat them. Contrast this to some Native American
tribal casinos that not only ban smoking and drinking, but also have
outreach programs to identify and help problem gamblers.GAMBLING CORPORATE
WEASEL OF THE YEAR. I'd like to retire this guy to the Chia Butthead
hall of fame, but he just keeps going and going and going. Reno Hilton
President Ferenç Szony is hands down winner again this year. Just before
Christmas, he notified his entire security staff they would be fired.
The Hilton says it wants to save $562,000 a year in wages by hiring
security officers through a temp firm. I think it's also revenge for
daring to vote in favor of unionizing. (I was born in a union household
and remain a union man today.) In a statement issued to KRNV radio last
Friday, Szony said hotel guests could "rest assured" of their safety.
The Reno Hilton houses the population of a small American city on any
average day. They currently employ about 64 security guards, down from
more than 140 in 1989. Rest in peace.DOWNSIZE THIS! BUTTHEADS
go to Wells Fargo Bank, the Virginian Hotel-Casino and Yellow-DeLuxe-Star
taxicabs for firing workers just before Christmas. By contrast, Golden
Grateful Deadheads go to the Reno Holiday Hotel, for keeping
its workers during the slow season, and to Bently Nevada out
in Minden. The world-class manufacturer of high-speed monitoring equipment
recently declared more than $2 million in profit sharing, recognizing
the value of the labor of those who get the job done.THE PRACTICING WHAT
YOU PREACH PRIZE ends in a three-way tie between Donald Barlett,
James Steele and Michael Moore. The Philadelphia Inquirer's two-time
Pulitzer Prize winners, Barlett and Steele, this year published the
third book of their populist America trilogy. "America: Who Stole
the Dream?" completed the picture of how corporate America,
by buying your government and mine, has robbed us all of a substantial
part of our future.Michael Moore proved
that there's life after cancellation and poetic justice to boot. Downsize
This!, Moore's book about the light side of corporate greed
(yes, he actually found one), hit the bestseller lists. His Emmy-winning
but twice-canceled network show, TV Nation, is now a surprise hit on
Comedy Central cable (Monday through Thursday, 7:30 and 11:30 p.m.).I sent Jim Steele a copy
of this column's review of his book. He sent back a gracious, two-page
letter asking for additional information about an issue I've been investigating.
Last week, Michael Moore personally e-mailed wishes of good luck to
the Reno Hilton security guards. (Moore was recently banned from book
signings at the Borders Book chain for supporting employees trying to
unionize.)These are busy and successful
men who nonetheless care about what's happening to us little guys here
in the Outback of the American Dream. They took the time to personally
respond to Nevada. For giving us all renewed hope that we can provide
for a better future if we keep working at it, Golden Grateful Deadheads
to Barlett, Steele and Moore.Big, fat, honorable mention
to Al Franken for his book with the unspeakable title trashing Lush
Rambo and the extreme right for their campaign of meanspirited class
warfare and uncorrected lies.TIE-DYED BUTTHEADS
TO TIE MANUFACTURERS. When Rush Limbaugh started selling loud (what
else) neckties, I figured give him enough rope and he'll hang himself.
When they started selling Jerry Garcia ties, I had trouble breathing.
When I saw that Garcia's ties were more conservative than Limbaugh's,
I postponed a haircut for a couple of weeks in protest, sort of a self-satire
of a self satire. Which reminds me.THE SELF SATIRE CHIA
BUTTHEAD goes to our own Gov. Bob Miller. Always willing to help
out, the guv cut a TV spot for the Food Bank of Northern Nevada, wherein
he starts out saying "there ought to be a law" against hunger. Well,
yeah. And you're the guv. Go get one passed, dammit. And bring money.GOLDEN GRATEFUL DEADHEAD
WRITER OF THE YEAR is a man I'd like to meet. Mike Beesley lives
in Reno. I know nothing else about him. He wrote the following to the
Tribune: "I think the people of northern Nevada owe a debt of gratitude
to Ferenç Szony, president of the Reno Hilton, for his untiring work
on behalf of the Food Bank of Northern Nevada. Recently, on the television
program 'Face the State,' he described his selfless efforts to collect
food for the needy during the holiday season. This is particularly noteworthy
as Mr. Szony has probably done more than anyone else during the last
few years to create this very need...Under his guidance, the two Hilton
properties have violated federal labor laws, harassed and intimidated
employees over not only labor problems but simple health problems, and
essentially endeavored to keep the local standard of living at its incredibly
low level...thanks for keeping the Food Bank going - and necessary."THE DOUBLESPEAK BUTTHEAD
goes to Ma Bell, for describing the amount I owe on my long distance
bill as "True Offering Savings." Please don't what I've spent the amount
I've saved. Unless you're in the car business.CHIA BUTTHEAD GREEDY
CORPORATION OF THE YEAR: none of the above. Even Hilton's greed
pales by comparison to Big Oil. Led by ARCO, the major gasoline retailers
concluded a very successful west coast pilot program of baiting up prices
while simultaneously getting the media to believe it wasn't their fault.
Even though there was no gas shortage, the media chose not to print
the story.The Los Angeles Times
and San Francisco Chronicle never got close (I electronically searched
both papers personally.) So, dishonorable mention goes to news media
for running out of gas. There were two exceptions, The Sparks Tribune,
which ran my six-part series. And the Las Vegas Sun, which once
touched on the issue of monopoly cartel pricing.SHUCK JIVE HUSTLE
CHIA BUTTHEAD AWARD: to the promoters of the overly-hyped Palms
Hotel-Casino in downtown Reno. The newsmedia recognized it as just the
latest in an endless line of high-profile investor solicitations, but
nonetheless treated it like the second coming. Brass Buttheads to those
bringing up the rear: To departing convention authority boss Jay Milligan,
for giving questionable raises to two subordinates, one of whom resigned
under a cloud shortly thereafter. To Reno City Attorney Patricia Lynch
and Washoe County Sheriff Dick Kirkland, for having their mouthpieces
write threatening letters trying to keep critics quiet. To Washoe District
Judge Connie Steinheimer, for a post-election fundraising mailer which
amounted to no more than a shakedown of lawyers. To Lake Tahoe casinos
for wanting to start their own county, to cut their own taxes, which
pay for schools for their low paid workers' children, who will live
in another county if the casinos are successful.GRATEFUL DEADHEAD
EDUCATOR OF THE YEAR: Clark County Community College math professor
Frank Pelteson, who demonstrated to his students the worth of work.
Everyone's pay, if you spend only 90 percent of it, is worth ten times
its face value to the local economy, Pelteson calculated and publicized.
Multiply your annual paycheck - or, if you've been downsized, your former
paycheck - by 10, and you'll see what just one job means.MENSCHES OF THE YEAR.
"Mensch" is Yiddish for "whole man." It applies to people who enrich
the lives of others. Herewith, my personal honorees, all of whom, I
daresay, probably never thought they'd be honored as leaders.THE WHOLLY MOSES AWARD
goes to Tom Stoneburner,
a Circus Circus security guard elected to lead his co-workers in the
fight for better wages and working conditions. He and his little union
did what no one else ever accomplished. They were the first security
guards in Nevada history to win a hotel-casino election. Then, they
won a strike against the Reno Hilton, something that hasn't happened
at a northern Nevada hotel-casino since the Eisenhower administration.
Honorable mention goes to former Citifare bus driver Lou Martino. Now
business manager for Teamsters Local 533, he labored 'round the clock
to avoid a Citifare bus strike but still protect his workers.POLITICIAN OF THE
YEAR: The Golden Grateful Deadhead goes to yet another professor,
UNR art and cinema teacher Howard Rosenberg. He wanted to serve
on the university board of regents to help his students. Instead, the
university power structure is trying to force him out of his job of
29 years. Honorable intentions: to the small army of Rosenberg supporters
who elected him and now labor to get him seated in January. Honorable
II: Las Vegas Regent Nancy Price, who courageously stood alone
for four years, warning of bigtime financial problems in the university
system. The recently released legislative audit makes her look like
Princess Cassandra telling the Trojans not to let that wooden horse
through the gates.HUMANITARIAN OF THE
YEAR: thy name is legion. All one writer can do is choose a symbol
of all those who work hard to feed the hungry. I'll choose Reno's Evelyn
Mount as representative of all those like herThe winners above have
probably never met, but work toward a common goal: a better life for
those who come afterward. Better jobs mean better health care and better
families. Better education means more productive people. But first,
the kids need enough to eat and a decent place to live. All of the above
honorees strive to make this morally obtuse mining camp boomtown livable
for the little people. For that, they deserve our respect, our thanks
and our support.Be well. Raise hell.
Andrew
Barbano is a Reno-based syndicated columnist and 28-year Nevadan.Barbwire by Barbano has appeared in the Daily Sparks Tribune since 1988. This column originally published 12/29/96. Copyright © 1996, 2005, 2010 Andrew Barbano |
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Copyright © 1982, 1996, 2006, 2010 Andrew Barbano
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