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BARBWIRE
by
ANDREW BARBANO

We are the Klingons

Expanded from the 11-5-2004 Comstock Chronicle
and the Sunday, 11-7-2004, Daily Sparks, Nev., Tribune

His Accidency The President, has now cemented the legacy of his two great achievements. The self-confessed non-reader singlehandedly created a book publishing bull market. The great uniter brought out the largest number of voters in U.S. history who then proceeded to expand his divide into a grand canyon. (More on that later.)

Dubya did us a favor by disabusing us of several bothersome notions and perilously convenient myths. We now know that our elections are approximate and that airport security remains cosmetic.

Nevada politicians and environmental activists now know that the nuclear dump does not matter. Sens. Kerry and Reid spent hundreds of thousands decrying Dubya's breaking of his weasel-worded 2000 promise on nuclear waste. They should have read this column. A poll taken several years ago showed that nuke waste is not on the public's radar screen. When asked their top three issues, without being prompted by a checklist, respondents didn't place the dumpsite in the top 10. Reno voters were undoubtedly the least affected. They have a railroad trench absolutely ensuring their safety.

The omniscient pollsters say that Dubya narrowly carried Nevada because of war scare. It was thus no coincidence that just three days before the election, the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security announced that Gomorrah West is a prime terrorist target, attackable without warning.

Fearful Nevadans, armed to the teeth with all the weaponry the Second Amendment can facilitate, may thus assert that they voted based upon a legitimate issue and belief. (Their government would never lie to them, would it?)

The same cannot be said about the good people of Ohio. The four-year lease of the nuclear trigger was decided by fear of queers. Those folks are so scared of Buckeyes for the Straight Guy that they came out in droves to support a state constitutional amendment to solve a problem which does not exist. Now that those afflicted with alternative procreative proclivities have been duly stripped of citizenship, I will hold Ohio accountable. I expect the world, or at least that state, to morph into Eden Revisited, a Valhalla of Prosperity, a beacon from the bowels of the mis-named midwest. At minimum, I expect a sign from God in the form of a prompt Super Bowl win for the Cleveland Browns.

Now that the nation is firmly in the grip of the most righteous of right, I want a peck of miracles. Universal health care and a quick end to disease. A law banning the West Nile Virus and its illegal alien mosquitoes. The other horsemen of the Apocalypse can wait. After all, War is a longtime U.S. government employee.

Our childlike desire to know that everything's gonna be alright explains the emotion-based belief that our president can't possibly act against the best interests of the country. We didn't want to believe Nixon was a crook. We likewise don't want to believe that Dubya is a raving dogmatist who may harbor ambitions to bring on the second coming with a little nuclear help, a burning desire he shares with Islamic extremists.

I prefer the old, flaky Dubya image, the drunken dilettante cheerleader, the feckless young draft dodger. The new unwrinkled Bush II scares the bejabbers out of me. His botox injections were first administered by an erstwhile giant killer. Last April, I warned darkly that "Bob Woodward — arguably the most credible journalist in the country and half of the legendary Washington Post Woodstein team which toppled Sir Richard the Rotten — has just re-elected Dubya with his new book. Apparently no one else has noticed. The book allows Bush to reinforce his TV image as a likable guy while revealing him as a truly decisive man of conviction behind the scenes. He takes orders only from God, not even listening to his own father. (Everybody knows that the first commandment trumps the fourth.)"

The New York Times Magazine came to the same conclusion in its Oct. 21 cover story.

"Bush reminds me of another presidential contender ironically played by Martin Sheen long before his star turn in "'The West Wing,'" I continued last spring.

"In Stephen King's 'The Dead Zone,' Mr. Sheen portrayed a messianic, bible-thumping candidate who ends up nuking the world because God so instructed him…Because of Woodward's book, almost all the bad stuff about Dubya will have been printed and all the venters will have vented well before the election. On to the Michael Jackson trial. The Bushies are so smug that they've even endorsed Woodward's book on their campaign website. Smart marketing."

This election has at least shown us who we are, a nation of racists and bigots, typified by the white-sheeted abomination Dubya got elected to the U.S. Senate from Bible-thumping Right-to-Work Oklahoma.

We are the Klingons. He who endorses not the dogma of the warrior class is branded a traitor while the military-industrial complex laughs all the way to the Bank of Kuwait. The codified superstition of intolerant religion has triumphed over science and fact. Evolution teacher John Scopes, convicted at the infamous 1925 Monkey Trial, would lose again today.

John Kerry appropriately institutionalized the great divide at the Grand Canyon. He dug himself into a hole which became the grave of the Donkey Party when he admitted that he would again vote for war, even knowing what we all know now.

As I noted at the time last August, my old high school speech teacher, Father Diamond, told me that when your opponent agrees with you, he loses the debate.

I hope my most chilling prediction does not come true: that we may expect a major terrorist attack soon after the election just to rub our noses in the fact that the man Nevada elected to keep us safe cannot do so, that homeland security, like airport security, is just another public relations project.

God help us.

Be well. Raise hell.

SMOKING GUNS MORE POSTMORTEMS. If you're interested in additional post-election graverobbing, this is the place. I'll be sharing a Jeroboam of embalming fluid with a distinguished panel of political undertakers at 6:00 p.m. Sunday, Nov. 7, on PBS affiliate KNPB TV-5. Moderator Erin Breen will be joined by Eric Herzik, acting dean of the UN,R College of Arts and Sciences, Nevada Assembly Speaker Emeritus Joe Dini, D-Yerington, and former Nevada State Treasurer Patty Cafferata, R. Tune in, turn on and tell a friend. NEWDoctorLawyerWatch.com NEWELECTION UPDATES @ BallotBoxing.US Propaganda for fun and profit Franz Kafka defeats Frank Capra The Silence of the Cows A Blow Against the Secrecy State: Federal government didn't even want to produce its photo ID law Las Vegas Review-Journal Editorial 9-17-2004 Campaign 2004: Star Trek Virtual Politics Father Diamond is Spinning in His Grave Excerpt: All the President's Spin The Orwell Diversion by Alex Carey Review of Alex Carey's "Taking the Risk out of Democracy: Propaganda in the US and Australia" ORDER "Taking the Risk Out of Democracy" Corporate Propaganda versus Freedom and Liberty By Alex Carey Edited by Andrew Lohrey Foreword by Noam Chomsky University of Illinois Press CNN's Lou Dobbs' new book "Exporting America" quotes Carey BEEN THERE, DONE THAT The 1994 Labor Day Barbwire introduces Alex Carey A brief history of neo-con PR and the roots of corporate propaganda PBS/NOW with Bill Moyers: Outsourcing American Jobs Apathy is never having to say you're sorry Federal Election Commission: Voter Registration and Turnout 2000

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